THE WATERBURY TALES

Navigating the site: The Dramat performed the original musical revue The Waterbury Tales in three versions in 1941. No full program with cast listed has surfaced for the first version, although two scripts of most of the show survive, one typed by Ethel Jaffe (Dramat secretary) in 1942 and one presented to the Beinecke Library in 1989 by Max Wilk, '41. Complete programs for the Freshman Prom version (March, 1941) and for the Christmas Tour version, listing the names of all involved, have survived and are reproduced below as Freshman Program and Tour Program. Using the "find in page" feature of your browser, you can find names of individuals mentioned.

Following these programs are the surviving scripts of the sketches and song lyrics. These are linked, where appropriate, to the programs in which they appeared, so you may jump from the program to the sketch and back.

At the end are three appendices, which can be reached from the links below: A letter from Dean DeVane, a "Who's Who" of the tour cast, and the tour itinerary.

A note about music: I have the Penelope ballet music, "What a Lovely Land is Long Island," and "Peter Pan-Hellenic," played on the piano in 1993 by Dudley Felton '41, the composer, as well as "Stag Line," (for the opening of Act II), for which I have no words (Do you?). And I have the sheet music for "She Is" (see The Lorelei) by Dick Brecker '43, published by Irving Berlin Inc. in 1941. I welcome any suggestions from viewers about recording and preserving the music. Although I have all the music in my head and my memory's good, my voice isn't.

Responding to an appeal in 1993, I received useful material from Norm Boucher, Bruzz Nimick, and Dudley Felton. Many thanks to them. Now how about some more contributors?

Todd Furniss, 685 La Posada Circle #902, Green Valley, AZ 85614-5132.
E-Mail: todd.furniss.je.42@aya.yale.edu

[Initial Run, January (?), 1941. No actual program with cast list has yet turned up for the first run of The Waterbury Tales, but the script for most of the show is on file in the Beinecke Library at Yale, gift of Max Wilk '41. The list of numbers below follows that manuscript. The differences from the Freshman Prom program (q.v.) are as follows:
1. The Courtier In Connecticut and its song "A Knight in Shining Armor" were cut from the show; the songs "At the Residence of the Peabody Beebes" was incorporated into The Wooing of Roxane. The song, "What a Lovely Land is Long Island," seems to have been dropped entirely.
2. The song "Here Over Here" was part of a number called The Prodigal Son in the opening show. "Americancan" was also in the show, possibly as a separate number. Both appeared as part of Sleeping Beauty at the end of Act I in the tour program.]

A Waterbury Debut ...........................................................The Wayfarers

The Waterbury Tales ....................................................The Wayfarers

With sketches mostly by John W. Leggett '42 and William H. Schubart,Jr. '41
With lyrics mostly by Samuel J. Wagstaff, Jr. '44 and John W. Leggett '42

Dudley P. Felton '41
Franklin B. Young '42
Albert W. Selden '44
Richard L. Brecker '43
Jack G. Eisenberg '40

Dances Directed by Dean Goodelle
Settings Designed by Peter Wolf
Costumes Designed by Joe Fretwell, III
Music Arranged by Franklin B. Young

Merry..................C. Meredith Boyce '42
Beck............... Beckwith R. Bronson '42
Don.............. Donald L. Brown, Jr. '43S
Dink.................... Samuel S. Connor '42
Sambo.................... Samuel H. Coxe '43
Jack...................... John C. Davidson '42
Gus...... .Augustus Van Cortlandt, III '44
Newt................ Newell P. Weed, Jr. '43S
Morg....................... Morgan Wesson '41

Pygmalion............................. John W. Leggett '42
Galatea.................................. John D. Fletcher '43
Abercrombie & Fitch....... Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42
Brooks, Ltd..................... J. H. Cameron Peake, '43
Peck & Peck............................... Robert C. Dye '41
A. G. Spalding..................... Edgar T. Glass, Jr. '42
Tecla................................ James M. Woodhull '42S
Lanz of Salzburg..................... Charles P. Aberg '41

and Robert L. Brush '42, William B. Cleary '43, Charles H. Dearborn, II '43, Thomas B. DeMott '42, W. Dale Fisher '41, Philip R. Freeman '41, David E. Gile '44, George R. Hill '43, Louis H. Hollister '43, Richard M. Ketchum '43, Elmore McN. McKee '44, Charles P. McVicker '42, Arleigh D. Richardson, III '44, George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41, Robert S. Tolles '42, Dean Witter, Jr. '44.

The Girl................ George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41
The Boy............................ Charles P. Aberg '41

The Athlete................... Thomas B. DeMott '42
and Charles H. Dearborn, II '42, Philip R. Freeman '41, Spencer D. Moseley '43, Dean Witter, Jr. '44

The Intellectual............. Edward L. German '42
and William B. Cleary '43, W. Dale Fisher '41, Albert B. Hilton, IV '44, Webb L. Nimick '44

The Glamour Boy...... George R. Nichols, III '42
and Maurice Goodman '43, Louis H. Hollister '43, Richard M. Ketchum '43, Arleigh Richardson, III '44

Jupiter............................... Henry J. Wright '42S
Mercury........................ Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42
Alcmena.......................... Paul C. Harper, Jr. '42
Amphytrion............ .Victor von Schlegell, Jr. '44

Cyril............................ Philip F. W. Peck, Jr. '41
Christian..................... J. H. Cameron Peake '43
Roxane........................... Claude Douthit, Jr. '42
George.................................. George R. Hill '43
Dave....................................... David E. Gile '44
Cuddles........................... Paul C. Harper, Jr. '42
Nancy................................. Webb L. Nimick '44
Gloria.............................. Maurice Goodman '43
Harry................................ Henry J. Wright '42S
Chuck................................. Charles P. Aberg '41
Ted................................... Edgar T. Glass, Jr. '42
Dale....................................... W. Dale Fisher '41
Tank........................... George R. Nichols, III '42
Charlie.......................Charles H. Dearborn, II '43
Dick............................... Richard M. Ketchum '43

Robert L. Brush '42, William B. Cleary '43, Edward L. German '42, Albert B. Hilton, IV '44, Louis H. Hollister '43, Elmore McN. McKee '44, Charles P. McVicker '42, Arleigh D. Richardson, III '44, George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41, Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42, George C. Thornton '43

The Waltz........................... Nancy and Dick
The Polka..........................Cuddles and Ted
The Rhumba..................... Gloria and Harry
The One-Step.................. Nancy and Chuck
The Tango....................... Roxane and Tank
The Boogie-Woogie...... Cuddles and Charlie
The Conga.......................... Gloria and Dale
Music by Albert W. Selden '44; Lyrics bySamuel J. Wagstaff, Jr. '44

The Piper..................................................................William B. Cleary '43

The Guys .................................................................. David M. Boffey '43, Edward L. German '42, Edgar T. Glass, Jr. '42, Maurice Goodman '43, George R. Hill '43, Richard M. Ketchum '43, Charles P. McVicker '42, J. H. Cameron Peake `43, George G. Schreiber '41, Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42, and Henry J. Wright '42S
The Sheff Men ............................................................Charles P. Aberg '41, Claude Douthit, Jr. '42, Robert C. Dye '41, W. Dale Fisher '41, John D. Fletcher '43, Albert B. Hilton, IV '44, Louis H. Hollister '43, Elmore McN. McKee '44, George R. Nichols, III '42, Webb L. Nimick '44, Arleigh D. Richardson, III '44, Dean Witter, Jr. '44.

Quartet Arrangement Sung By Maurice Goodman '43, George R. Hill '43,
Edward L. German '42, and J. H. Cameron Peake '43
By John A. Kneubuhl '42; Music and Lyrics by Franklin B. Young '42

A Waterbury Debut ...........................................................The Wayfarers

Dink Stover ........................... Philip W. Peck, Jr. '41
Augustus Van Cortlandt, III...... John W. Leggett '42

By William H. Schubart, Jr. '41; Music by Richard L. Brecker '43; Lyrics by Samuel J. Wagstaff, Jr. '44

The Lorelei............................................... John D. Fletcher '43 and Charles H. Dearborn, II '43, Thomas B. DeMott '42, Robert C. Dye '41, Philip R. Freeman '41, James P. Furniss '41, David E. Gile '44, Spencer D. Moseley '43, Robert S. Tolles '42, Victor von Schlegell, Jr. '44, Dean Witter, Jr. '44.

She Is ................................................................The Sailors

The Waterbury Tales ..................................................................The Wayfarers

The Debutante.........................................James P. Furniss '41
Her Mother..........................................Edgar T. Glass, Jr. '42
Her Grandmother.................................. David M. Boffey '43
And the Entire Company

By William H. Schubart, Jr. '41
The Wayfarer dialogue has been written by William H. Schubart, Jr. '41 and Max Wilk '41
and directed by Richard O. Fleischer.
Franklin B. Young '42 and Dudley P. Felton '41 at the pianos
Costumes executed by Sally-Ross Dinsmore
Makeup by Patricia Montgomery

Technical Director ....................................................... John N. Deming '41
Production Manager.................................................... Allen F. Lovejoy '41
Stage Manager........................................................... Richard G. Kehoe '43
Assistant to the Director.......................................Howard M. Holtzmann '42
Assistant to the Dance Director.............................. William L. Bromberg '44
Assistant to the Scene Designer............................................. C. D. Blake '42
Assistant Stage Managers...... William A. Kirkpatrick, George H. Day, Jr. '44

Among those Freshmen participating in The Waterbury Tales are:
PRODUCTION STAFF: Richard Baker, Lawrence B. Brockett, Samuel T. Castleman, Jr., Denison C. Fuller, John W. Gordon, II, Walter F. Goodman, Robert H. Jacobs, Thomas J. Rudd, David T. Schneider, Donald P. Shedd, Peter E. Sloane, Hendrick Ten Eyck, Burton G. Tremaine, III, Samuel J. Wagstaff, Jr.
BUSINESS STAFF: Russell H. Downey, A. Crawford Greene, C. Newton Schenck, III, Ross E. Traphagen,
Charles McC. Weis.

With sketches mostly by John W. Leggett '42 and William H. Schubart, Jr. '41
With lyrics mostly by Samuel J. Wagstaff, Jr. '44 and John W. Leggett '42

Dudley P. Felton '41
Franklin B. Young '42
Albert W. Selden '44
Richard L. Brecker '43
John Gerald '40
Directed by Burton G. Shevelove
Dances Staged by Dean Goodelle
Settings Designed by Peter Wolf
Costumes Designed by Joe Fretwell, III
Wayfarers Coached by Richard O. Fleischer

Dave.............. David M. Boffey '43
Norm........... Norman Boucher '42S
Jack............ John S. Brittain, III '44
Beck........ Beckwith R. Bronson '42
Schuyler.......... Robert L. Brush '42
Lou............... Louis M. Connick '45
Waldo............ Edward W. Cook '44
Morgan...... Morgan Hebard, Jr. '43

Wayfarer dialogue by William H. Schubart '41
Max Wilk '41 and Donald McG. Marshman, Jr. '45

Jupiter.............. Spencer D. Moseley '43
Mercury........... Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42
Alcmena...... Frederick G. N. Pearson '45
Amphytrion...... W. Levering Nimick '44S

Penelope................................ George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41
Ulysses....................................... Lee Prather Stack, Jr. '43

The Glamour Boys...................... George R. Nichols, III '42
and Dean Fuller '45, Louis H. Hollister '43, Mark Lund '45, Frederick G. N. Pearson '45

The Intellectuals ................................John W. Morrison '44
and Richard Baker '44, John Fletcher '43, George R. Hill '43, W. Levering Nimick '44S

The Athletes........................................ Stephen A. Stack '44
and Douglas S. Allen '45, David E. Gile '44, Robert L. Ireland, III '42, Spencer D. Moseley '43,

Pygmalion............................................. John W. Leggett '42
Galatea.................................................. John D. Fletcher '43

The Boys: Douglas S. Allen '45, Richard Baker '44, Dean Fuller '45, David E. Gile '44, John W. Gordon, II '44, George R. Hill '43, Louis H. Hollister '43, Robert L. Ireland, III '42, Mark Lund, Jr. '45, John W. Morrison '44, Spencer D. Moseley '43, George Nichols, III '42, W. Levering Nimick '44S, Frederick G. N. Pearson '45, George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41, William P. Sheidy, Jr. '43, Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42, Lee Prather Stack, Jr. '43, Stephen A. Stack '44

The Debutantes
Dean Fuller '45 John W. Gordon, II '44, Frederick G. N. Pearson '45,
George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41, William P. Sheidy, Jr. '43

Cyril Bergerac................... George Nichols, III '42
Roxane Lee ....................... John W. Gordon, II '44
Christian.................................... George R. Hill '43
Johnny ................................. John W. Morrison '44
Dave............................................ David E. Gile '44
Tim....................................Robert L. Ireland, III '42
Phoebe Beebe ....................... William P. Sheidy '43
Gloria Van Antwerp .....Frederick G. N. Pearson '45
Cuddles Schmidlip ...... George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41
Prate .............................. Lee Prather Stack, Jr. '43
Doug ...................................... Douglas S. Allen '45
Dean .............................................. Dean Fuller '45

and Richard Baker '44, John W. Morrison '44, Louis H. Hollister '43, Spencer D. Moseley '43,
Mark Lund, Jr. '45, Stephen A. Stack '44
By John W. Leggett ' 42

That's Not My Dance .......................................................... Cyril

The Fox Trot .............. Roxane and Christian
The Waltz...........................Phoebe and Dave
The Polka..............................Gloria and Tim
The Rhumba.................. Cuddles and Johnny
The One-Step.....................Phoebe and Prate
The Boogie-Woogie.............Gloria and Dave
The Conga....................... Cuddles and Dean
Music by Albert W. Selden '44; Lyrics by Samuel J. Wagstaff, Jr. '44

Dink Stover ........................................Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42
Augustus Van Cortlandt, III...................... John W. Leggett '42
A Little Boy ............................................ William P. Sheidy '43
By William H. Schubart, Jr. '41

The Yale Men
George G. Schreiber, Jr. '41 and Douglas S. Allen '45, Richard Baker '44, Louis M. Connick, Jr. '45, Edward W. Cook '44, John Fletcher '43, Dean Fuller '45, David E. Gile '44, John W. Gordon, II '44, George R. Hill '43, Louis H. Hollister '43, Robert L. Ireland, III '42, Mark Lund, Jr. '45, John W. Morrison '44, Spencer D. Moseley '43, George Nichols, 3^rd '42, W. Levering Nimick '44S, Frederick G. N. Pearson '45, William P. Sheidy, Jr. 43, Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42, Lee Prather Stack, Jr. '43, Stephen A. Stack '44 By John A. Kneubuhl '42

The Quartet Arrangement: Dean Fuller '45, David E. Gile '44, George R. Hill '43, Stephen A. Stack '44

The Lorelei.................................. John D. Fletcher '43
The Leader of the Sailors ..... Spencer D. Moseley '43
The First Sailor ............................... David E. Gile '44
The Second Sailor .......................Stephen A. Stack '44
The Third Sailor ............................. Richard Baker '44
The Fourth Sailor .......................... George R. Hill '43
The Fifth Sailor .................. Richard L. Ireland, III '42
The Sixth Sailor ................... W. Levering Nimick '44S
The Seventh Sailor ............... William P. Sheidy, Jr. '43
The Eighth Sailor .................. Howard F. Smith, Jr. '42
The Ninth Sailor ................... Lee Prather Stack, Jr. '43

The Debutante.................................Stephen A. Stack '44
Her Mother.................................Spencer D. Moseley '43
Her Grandmother........................... David M. Boffey '43

CREDITS TO
George R. Nichols, III '42 for program cover. Flowers. Inc., for the debut ornaments. Century Drapery Studios for the velours. Lerch for the wigs. Capezio for the dancing shoes. J. Press for Fletcher's sweater. William McD. Stucky for numerous lines. Sally Ross Dinsmore for executing costumes. Helene Smith for executing Can-can costumes. W. Levering Nimick '44S for posters.

THE STAFF

PRODUCTION:
Production Manager ............ Thomas B. Hess '42
Stage Manager . .................John W. Morrison '44

COSTUMES ............................ W. Todd Furniss '42
John W. Gordon, II '44

BUILDING CREW
Headed by:............... ................. Russell Frost '43
John H. Holton, Jr. '43
Including A. S. Barnum '44, J. S. Beckman '45, J. C. Gregory '45, J. C. Mallon '45, W. S. Moorhead '45, D. Schneider '44

PAINT CREW
Headed by: ............. Samuel J. Wagstaff, Jr. '44
Including E. R. Coniffe, Jr. '45, R. E. Loughney, III '45, T. A. McGraw '45, T. E. Noyes '45, R. W. Taylor '42, D. K. Worcester '44

BUSINESS
Business Manager ....... ......... Robert L. Brush '42
Program Manager ... . Donal P. A. McDonnell '43
Publicity Manager .............. David M. Boffey '43
Assisted by A. Crawford Greene '44 and William C. Kelly, II '44

We're off to Waterbury
Let's see how many cars we can pass.
We're going to
A big debut
So step on the gas.

This strikes us very funny
The city's first debut
For nineteen years, or rather
Since nineteen twenty-two.
Her father made his money
In Waterbury clocks.
Her mother made her father
Down among the Savin Rocks.

They're Waterbury's biggest family.
They're social as all hell and rich as Croe-
Sus.
She must be the gal for us.

We're off to Waterbury
Her family requested we come.
And it's been said
That when they're dead,
She'll be worth some sum.

Arrangements were begun in
The middle of last year,
So things might be all glowing
When daughter does appear.
The ballroom will be done in
Chartreuse and black balloons
Which servants have been blowing
For eleven afternoons.

They've decorated every room and john.
They're hanging flowers and they're spraying Chan-
El.
For the Waterbury smell.

We're off to Waterbury
Although the town's no sight for the eye
But still we want
That debutante
So shift into high.

We know that she'll be dressed in
A gown from Saks 5 A.
It's everything it should be--
It's white and I decolletÉ.
That's what she looks her best in. We've heard that she's no fool,
We don't know how she could be,
She's from Ethel Walker's school.

The guys that know say she has oomph
When she's alone or when she's in a roomf-
Ull.
She sounds irresistible.

We're off to Waterbury
And so we'd better put on some speed.
The invites came;
We read the name.
We R. S. V. P'd.

They're showing great acumen
In case the party lags
There's champagne by the bucket
And Cutting's better stags.
There's Maestro Ruby Newman
Conducting on the stand.
But if you want to truck it
There's a boogie-woogie band.

The Yale Dramat songs will be played and sung
And we'll get drunk and start to la cong-
A.
With the greatest of eclat.

We're off to Waterbury
Let's see how many cars we can pass.
We're going to
A big debut
So step on the gas.

The Peabody Beebes

We're up in heaven, we're seeing stars,
With private guest rooms, motor cars,
Lots of liquor and free cigars,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

There's checkered marble on all the floors,
And rosewood panels in the doors,
A butler's pantry in Louis Quatorze,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

A satin-quilted Utopia,
A platinum and ruby cornucopia.
Just ring a bell
And seventeen footmen come running like hell.

The meals are planned by an epicure,
The chauffeur has his own chauffeur,
Lawns are spread with the best manure,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

The place is done like a Christmas tree,
It's very moderne with an E,
Sheets embroidered with fleur-de-lis,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

A sterling silver utopia,
A John D. Rockefeller cornucopia.
Just say the word,
And the wine will be poured and the eggs will be shirred.

A model dairy is in the rear,
A gold and crystal chandelier,
Things are solid and not veneer,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

It's always guarded by police,
The trophy room is sheer caprice,
Pogo sticks and a fowling piece,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

A station wagon utopia,
A Vogue and Town and Country cornucopia.
Just give the sign
And twenty-two housemaids fall into line.

The cellar's built like a catacomb,
The attic's done in silver chrome, But to the Beebes it's home sweet home,
At the residence of the Peabody Beebes.

Debutante
And I want you all to come down to Long Island and stay at my home for the little season
First Chap
What's the little season?

Debutante
Party week! We all have parties then.

Second Chap
He's from Tulsa, Miss Schmidlipp.

Debutante
Don't call me Miss Schmidlip, it sounds so formal. Just call me cuddles.
(And they are off to the badminton courts as two girls who came out last year come in from opposites of the stage. They scream in unison:)
Darrrrrrling!

First Girl
What have you done to yourself? A hairdresser could do wonders for that limp hair; and what are you using for lipstick? Oleomargarine? And by the way, you must give me the name of your dentist. I have a friend whose mouth is deformed just like your was.

Second Girl
I've been running around like a mad thing . . .

First Girl
Is there any truth in that story about you and the riding master at Foxcroft?
(The second is just about to tear the eyes out of the first when an Amherst man in brief bathing trunks passes on his way to the pool. The second watches him cross the state with great interest, then turns to the first and says:)
I'll see you later, darling.
(The first girl watches her leave, then spies someone down by the model dairy and screams:)
Darrrrrrling!
(She rushes out and two snobs from Harvard enter. They are enjoying the weekend, even though they won't admit it.)

First Snob
I hear the Beebes are very well to do. It certainly looks as though they're comfortable.

Second Snob
And Phoebe Beebe seems to be a very attractive girl. I mean, she has other attributes as well.

First Snob
Otis Bigelow is right in that league.
(Phoebe Beebe, the pride and joy of the Beebe household, enters followed in a haphazard way by Otis Bigelow, the ideal Yale man, who is practising an intricate rhumba step. They greet the Harvard men, who go off for a hot game of croquet. Phoebe is carrying a large tome. She sits and begins to read it. Otis, playing it cosy, finally speaks:)

Otis
Golly, it's good to be here in Greenwich with all my exams over and nothing to worry about except the boat races.

Phoebe
And what is there about the boat races that would keep you awake nights?

Otis
I'm just wondering whether you're going to come with me or not.

Phoebe
Now listen, Otis. I've told you seven times already that I don't enjoy crawling through the Griswold Hotel up to here in broken glass and fifth formers.

Otis
Now that attitude is just ridiculous. I distinctly remember you saying that you'd never seen so many attractive boys all in one room since Alec Bouvier took you to the Orpheum.

Phoebe
Otis, I've nothing against you personally, you understand, but I'm fed up with the whole darned outfit. You're types. Everybody I know is just like you. If your ears weren't a little bigger than average, I'd never have been able to find you that time we got separated at the Harvard game.

Otis
Well, you could have gone by the sport coat. It's absolutely the only one they sold in New Haven. I had the rest of the bolt burned.

Phoebe
Oh, you don't understand. I mean, nobody is any different. Maybe you went to St. Marks--maybe to St. Paul's. Maybe you lived in Old Westbury, maybe in Lake Forest. Maybe you go to Harvard, maybe to Yale. . . . or even Princeton. Anyway, you all look alike, dress alike, talk alike, act alike. . . .

Otis
Well, I don't notice you setting anybody on fire with your individuality.

Phoebe
That's not the point.

Otis
The big mistake was allowing women to vote--no, it was higher education. A woman should never be allowed to go to college.

Phoebe
I never went to college.

Otis
Well, they never taught you this garbage at Farmington.

Phoebe
Nobody taught me anything. I just suddenly realized that the man I love must have something more than . . . He must be . . . a sort of a . . . well, you see . .

A Knight in Shining Armor

Like a shopgirl up in a gallery
I've found my matinee idol.
I've been reading Sir Thomas Malory
And to a lass
Of my class
That's practically suicidal.

Tales he tells are so overpowering,
Men he describes are so fearless.
In the days when knighthood was
flowering
Why, that was when
All the men
Were men and all the peers were peerless.

I can see one mounted on a pure white charger, Big as life, maybe larger,
And to that silly escapist, me,
He will be . . .

A knight in shining armor
A courtier straight from the courts.
A dear ro-
Mantic hero,
A champion of sorts.

A knight in shining armor,
An ardent Arthurian swain,
A Valent-
Ine, a gallant,
A nephew of Charlemagne.

He'll be a perfect specimen,
A princely paramour,
His strength will be the strength of ten
Because his heart is pure.

A knight in shining armor,
No pseudo-sophisticate he,
No dime-a-dozen charmer,
No glamor boy for me.

A knight in shining armor,
A Lochinvar out of the West,
At least a
Royal feaster,
A Lancelot at best.

A knight in shining armor,
A lover come riding a-trot,
A Gala-
Had of valor,
A shot from Camelot.

He fills my dreams both night and day.
Forgive me if I gush.
He'll be the damnedest chevalier
Sans peur et sans reproche.

A knight in shining armor,
No run-of-the-mill S.O.B.
No stooge, no false alarmer,
No one like you for me.

Otis
Perhaps you'd like to dig one up.

Phoebe
Please don't kid me. He's so real I can see him. He'll have the whitest teeth, and the longest legs, and the noblest brow.

Otis
I suppose he'll have a body to tie all these goodies together.

Phoebe
I think you're mean to tease me like this.

Otis
(Looking off to the formal gardens)
Holy smokes . . . Look!

Phoebe
Who's that ridiculous fool riding a horse through the tulip bed?

Otis
(His face a mass of disgust)
My God!

Phoebe
(Her face a mass of delight)
A knight . . . in shining armor!

Otis
If this is a joke of some sort . . .

Phoebe
He's coming here; he is. He's coming right up here.

Otis
Phoebe, have you been rubbing any lamps lately?
(Sir Wilberfors enters in complete medieval armor. You cannot see his face, but his getup is magnificent)
Look here, Boffey, if this is another of your impractical jokes, you've picked a very poor time for it.

Phoebe
It can't be Boffey . . .It's too tall.
(She walks over to Sir Wilberfors, raises his visor, and peeks in)
Hello.

Otis
Anybody we know?

Phoebe
Never seen him before.

Otis
Any alcoholic aromas floating out of it?
(He comes closer to examine)
Smells like tuna fish . . . Now let's see, he's probably been to Elsa Maxwell's, and he's gotten lost or something. I think we'd better call the police.

Phoebe
Oh no you don't. I'm going to keep him. . . .my knight in shining armor.

Otis
Oh, now look here, Phoebe. Supposing this guy snaps out of it all of a sudden and finds himself among a lot of strange people. Why, I knew a guy once who woke up after a night in . . .

Phoebe
(Calling at the top of her voice in all directions. You'd think the Beebes could afford a public address system.)
Yoohoo, everybody . . .come on up here. There's something I want you to meet.

Otis
Really, Phoebe . . .
Phoebe
(She doesn't seem to be paying much attention to Otis.)
Now, let's get you out of the hat. It must be rather warm in there.

Sir Wilberfors
I'm quite comfortable, thank you.

Phoebe
Well, some fresh air will do you good, anyway.
(She takes off his helmet)
Isn't that better?

Sir Wilberfors
It is not any better.

Phoebe
Now about you. Isn't this some sort of advertisement? I hope.

Sir Wilberfors
I do not think so, my lady. It is my very own suit.

Phoebe
Do you wear it all the time?

Sir Wilberfors
Except when I sleep. I must wear it for jousting, for fighting dragons, for saving damsels in distress. In short, it is necessary in my quest.

Phoebe
And what is the quest you speak of?

Sir Wilberfors
The quest of the Holy Grail.

Phoebe
Why, of course . . . how silly of me.
(The guests begin to return, but they are so busy chattering that they do not notice Sir Wilberfors.)

First Houseguest
Gosh, what a tennis court. You could shoot billiards on that grass.

Third Houseguest
It's very nice, but the Spratts at Glen Cove have a much smoother one.

First Chap
Do you mean to tell me that they keep five gardeners just to pull up the sour grass?

Debutante
No, only three are for the sour grass. The other two are for mushrooms.

Third Houseguest
(To the first and second, both of whom wear bow ties.)
Say, do you think that bow ties will ever come back?
(Suddenly everyone spots Sir Wilberfors. There is a mass double-take.)

First Chap
Look, a robot!

Debutante
What is it, Phoebe?

Second Chap
Look! A refugee from the Hearst sale.
(by now everyone is chattering like mad.)

Phoebe
Shhh. . . this is . . ah, what did you say your name was?

Sir Wilberfors
I am yclept Sir Wilberfors of Underswitch, son to old King Frederick and heir to his entire estates.

First Snob
Chap's off his trolley.

Phoebe
You know, this may sound funny, but I believe him, somehow.

Otis
Now listen, Phoebe. If you persist in this nonsense about your knight in shining armor another minute, I'll go back to Armonk and never invite you to another boat race in my whole life.

Phoebe
Oh, go back to Armonk. I never want to see another boat race. Why don't you move into the Griswold?
(Otis leaves. Phoebe turns to Wilberfors.)
Say something to them.

Sir Wilberfors
I bid thee greeting
(There is a sickly pause)

Phoebe
Is that all? Can't you tell them something about your work?

Sir Wilberfors
I rode into many countries ever enquiring after the Holy Grail, but never could they hear of it until at last I came to a castle that hight South Orange, New Jersey, and there Sir Dunstan and Sir Cardigan were lodged together. And privily about midnight Sir Dunstan came to Sir Cardigan's squire and said, ``Arise, and make thee ready for ye and I will ride away secretly.''
(The guests are bored and begin to leave, but Phoebe gazes on him rapturously.)
``Sir,'' said the squire, ``I would fain ride with you where you would have me, but an my lord, your cousin, take me, he will slay me.'' ``As for that,'' quoth Sir Dunstan, ``care thee not, for I shall be thy warrant.'' ``But,'' quoth the squire- ''
(Phoebe notices that they have all gone. She is disappointed, to say the least.)

Phoebe
Ah . . . there seems to be a general lack of interest in your background; supposing we save it 'till later?

Sir Wilberfors
Your wish, fair damsel, is my command.

Phoebe
I don't care anything about those stupid undergraduates. I still like knights . . . Golly, you're tall. I bet you're awful strong.

Sir Wilberfors
My strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure. One dawn, Sir Edelweis and I rode onto the plain to do battle with the red dragon of Sudburn Tarn . . .

Phoebe
Yes, of course. I'll take your word for it. Tell me, do you still wear the favors of ladies when you fight.?

Sir Wilberfors
In truth.

Phoebe
Would you like something of mine. I happen to have an old bandanna here.

Sir Wilberfors
Gracious lady!

Phoebe
Don't you have to do something now? Kiss me or something?

Sir Wilberfors
No

Phoebe
Well, what happens next?

Sir Wilberfors
Nothing

Phoebe
Nothing?

Sir Wilberfors
Nothing.

Phoebe
Oh. (Embarrassed pause.)
You know, there seems to be something about chivalric love that doesn't come up to expectations.

Sir Wilberfors
I give not displeasure, milady?

Phoebe
No, you give not displeasure, but you lack contemporary appeal.
(Again embarassed pause.)
Say, have you ever smelled perfume?

Sir Wilberfors
Perfume?

Phoebe
No, I guess not.
(She puts her arm around his waist, leaning her head on his shoulder.)
Smell.
(Wilberfors inhales, but does not react. Phoebe is repulsed.)
If this is chivalric love, Sir Thomas has been pulling my leg. Say, what's wrong with you, are you overnourished or undersexed? I think you had better go now, now that the novelty has worn off.

Sir Wilberfors
I think I shall stay.

Phoebe
Please go. There's your horse eating all daddy's nasturtiums. Just go down and get him. You'll be on your way in no time. I'll have someone show you the way.

Sir Wilberfors
I think I shall stay.

Phoebe
Oh not you won't. I'll have Otis throw you out if necessary. He's awfully strong. He used to wrestle.
(Otis enters, luggage in hand, nose in air. Phoebe catches him by the arm.)
Oh, Otis darling, I've been so silly, and now . . . now he won't go.

Sir Wilberfors
I like it here. It calls back Underswitch Castle.

Otis
Boat races?

Phoebe
Oh, Otis, I'd love it.

Otis
Very well.
(But Sir Wilberfors floors him with a single tap.)

Sir Wilberfors
I have the strength of ten because my heart is pure.

Phoebe
Oh gosh. I'd forgotten all about that.
(Again she calls in all the houseguests, ten in number. They come running in, chattering away.)
Quiet. Show Sir Wilberfors the Merritt Parkway.
(And they do. Phoebe shouts after them:)
I think you'll find the Holy Grail up near Boston.
(The girls are now all around Phoebe.)

First Girl
Darrrrling, what did he do?

Phoebe
It isn't what he did. It's what he didn't do.

Second Girl
I'm so glad you came to your senses.

Debutante
You can get something like that Wilberfors any day between 2:30 and 5:30 at the Cloisters.

First Girl
Darling, I hear those knights never take a bath.

Second Girl
I don't think he'd be the most comfortable person to dance with.

Debutante
Anyway, Otis is the most attractive boy you've ever met.

Phoebe
(Realizing that Otis has been lying there all this time.)
Otis! Oh!
(She rushes to him affectionately.)
Otis, dear!

Otis
(Sitting up.)
Where am I.

Phoebe
I don't know where you are, but next week this time you'll be at the Griswold. I've learned my lesson. The romance in life isn't necessarily romantic.
(The boys return and take glasses from a butler who, if he is on cue, has opportunely arrived.)
I propose a toast . . . .
(They all take glasses and pompous attitudes and Phoebe sings:)

Phoebe
He'll be the damnedest chevalier
Sans peur et sans reproche.

A knight in shining armor,
No run-of-the-mill S.O.B.
No stooge, no false alarmer,
No one like you for me.

Now that the Holy Grail's for sale
And cheap
Drink deep.

Everyone
Wassail to uniformity
The common or garden variety
Of regular college society.

Phoebe
His answer's yes
His mind's a blank
He's clothed by Press
And shod by Frank

Everyone
Wassail

Otis
Now that the Holy Grail's for sale,
For good,
Knock wood.

Everyone
Wassail to uniformity
The average college nobility
With charm and a trace of virility.

Otis
He's well to do
A thoroughbred
Born to the blue
But in the red.

Everyone
Wassail.
[Blackout]

PYGMALION & GALATEA

Pygmalion
Women, women, women.
They're here and there and everywhere.
Women, women, women.

Chorus
A rag, a bone, a hank of hair.
And every dame is exactly the same.

Pygmalion
NO.
Some are big, some are small,
Some are short, some are tall,
Some we like, some we don't,
Some that will, some that won't,
Some are fierce, some are tame,
Some are good, some are game,
Some are dumb, some know how.

Chorus
But still I claim
That they're all the same,
From Elsie de Wolfe to Elsie the cow.

Pygmalion
Women, women, women,
A perfect woman, nobly planned,
Women, women, women.
Chorus
But don't you fellows understand?
You can't deny
That they're cast from a die.
Pygmalion
NO.
Some are light, some are dark,
Some like home, some the park,
Some are kind, some are mean,
Some are eight, some eighteen,
Some are cold, some are hot,
Some like Yale, some do not,
Some are fat, some are thin . . .

Chorus
Please understand
Shirley Temple and
Du Barry are sisters under the skin.

Pygmalion
Women, women, women,
My love is like a red, red rose.
Women, women, women.

The difference is speech and clothes.
All this I've known,
And the blind will be shown.
(Enter Galatea)
Do you see this maiden before you?
She's really in the pink,
But would she excite or bore you?
Tell me what you think.

Chorus
She's a hag, she's a bag, we'll go stag.

Pygmalion
I will see that everyone loves you,
Who's treated you so illy.
Please remove your shoes and gloves, you
Mustn't think me silly.

Chorus
She's the pick of the Knick; very chic.

Pygmalion Now I'm in the throes of creation,
Demanding great finesse.
I will need your cooperation,
Please remove your dress.

Chorus
Take it off, take it off, take it off.

Pygmalion
Women, women, women.
They're here and there and everywhere.
Women, women, women

Pygmalion
If you don't know where we are at now,
Watch what the master's doing.
Please remove what's called a hat now,
And the gum you're chewing.

Chorus
Women, women, women.
Do they all look like that undressed?
Women, women, women.

Pygmalion
That's when they're far from at their best.
Just give me room, and this flower will bloom.

Abercrombie & Fitch
Messrs. Abercrombie and Fitch will
Provide this British skirt.
It's that heather color which will
Never show the dirt.

Chorus
Put it on, put it on, put it on.

Abercrombie & Fitch
You can see it's terribly tweedy,
That kind's our best tho'.
It's very stylish, yes indeedy,
Never have it pressed, tho'.

Pygmalion And learn to say
Of the boys you hate:
Drizzle, Joeboy, drool, meatball, lamebrain, hammerhead.
And learn to say
Of the way you feel:
Strictly stock, but good, genial, like the walking dead.

Brooks Brothers
Please let Brooks do all of your knitting.
This sweater makes a hit.
It's altogether fitting
That it shouldn't fit.

Chorus
If it looks like a Brooks, it's deluxe.

Brooks Brothers
You must push the sleeves up a little,
It really makes the sweater.
Button it up the back, and it'll
Make the front look better.

Pygmalion
And learn to say
If you should approve:
Super, priceless, quaint, snakey, luscious, dreamy, swell.
And learn to say
When you disbelieve:
Don't hand me that jive, Ferdinand, the hell you yell.

Peck & Peck Peck and Peck have marvelous socklets
That feel as light as air.
From our latest stock let's
Just try on a pair.

ChorusNow she grows,like a rose, in those clothes.

Spalding
Spalding has that marvelous footwear
For which we're charging some fee, And a lot of space is put where
Shoes should be most comfy.

Pygmalion And learn to say
If you want to leave:
Let's get organized, let's get on the ball, let's blow.
And learn to say
If you're amazed: Patch my pantywaist, oolie droolie, Holy Joe.

Tecla
Tecla has the pearls that are rated
As requisite as clothes,
If they're only simulated,
Who the devil knows?

Chorus
She'll be great on a date; we can't wait.

Lanz
Lanz of Salzburg offers a kerchief
The kind that Smith girls wear up,
So you won't be in the lurch if
You don't fix your hair up.
Now she is glamour girl number one.

Pygmalion
Woman, woman, woman,
Please tell us if you're fact or myth.
Woman, woman, woman,
You outshine all the girls at Smith.
So listen, dear,
While I shout and I cheer. Oh . . . .

Everyone except GalateaHooray about you,
The break of day about you,
The first of May, the Passion Play,
Oh, I'm that way about you.
What can I say to convey
The cheese souffle‚ about you? Hooray about you,
the bonnie brae about you,
The salt sea spray and F. P. A.,
The curds and whey about you.
The emigre and the boston Back Bay,
Oh hooray about you.

Hooray about you,
The Rabelais about you,
The Santa Fe, the protege,
Oh we're that way about you.
What can I say to convey
The Martha Raye about you?

Hooray about you,
The negligee about you,
The bird of prey, the Siboney,
The Chevrolet about you.
The Salome with a head on a tray,
Oh, hooray about you.

Hooray about you,
The Cartier about you,
The swing and sway of Sammy Kaye,
Oh, I'm that way about you.
What can I say to convey
The U. S. A. about you?

Hooray about you,
The here today about you,
The Edna Saint Vincent Millay,
The ricochet about you,
The Milky Way and the tattle-tale gray,
Oh, hooray about you.

Hooray about you,
The one horse shay about you,
The old dog Tray, the matinee, Oh, we're that way about you.
What can I say to convey
The Alice Faye about you?

Hooray about you,
The I qu'est ce que c'est Iÿ about you,
The Dubonnet, the Paraguay,
The Clarence Day about you,
The Triple A and the devil to pay,
Oh, hooray about you.